Part 3 on Attachment

Behavior, Discipline and Attachment:

This is not an easy post to write. It is very long and very personal. I am going to be perfectly transparent, because I believe it is an important subject; but at the same time I want to be sure to communicate my love for my children. I love being a Mama to my 4 and would gladly take 4 more. I truly am so blessed by my family and cannot thank God enough for this journey… even with the rough patches!

I know that many of those who read this may not agree with our methods. I also want to express that my husband’s and my goal in disciplining our children is not to “break” their spirit, it is not to be in control, but rather to correct biblically unacceptable behavior and to ultimately foster a personal, vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ. Our goal is to develop, by God’s grace, Jesus loving, God-fearing, men and women who will commit their lives to the glory of our Great Lord and Savior. Our goal is men and women who will actively love their neighbor, serve the Lord sacrificially and be productive members of society!
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Attaching to children who do not seem to want attach to you is more than difficult. It is physically and emotionally exhausting. There are times that you question your ability, motives, your actions, your beliefs on child-rearing and even the hope that the Lord can and will transform the heart and minds of your difficult children. There are times that you feel like you are about to hit the bottom, scream, pull your hair out, discipline inappropriately, etc. There are times that you can hardly breathe because of the intense frustration level, and there are times that you can do nothing but weep. All of these responses are absolutely normal.

What helps? You know perfectly well what helps, you sometimes just don’t want to admit it. Sometimes you know the right response you just choose a different one. The most important thing is to always tell your self the TRUTH… over and over again. This certainly is not the easiest thing to do, especially when the emotions of the flesh seemingly consume you. I have written about 50 yellow post-it notes and stuck them around the house to remind me of the truth.

Here is my truth:

1. I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I choose to obey Him!
2. I have emotions that can be selfish and that can deceive me and mask the truth.
3. I love my children, I love my children, I love my children… when I don’t FEEL love I fake it.
4. Children are a gift from the Lord.
5. My child’s hurt and pain is not his/her fault. It is the fault of a fallen world… my children are, however, responsible for their actions.
6. My comfort is not the goal and my glory is not the goal.
7. I want to portray a godly, gospel-driven, people-serving, Jesus worshiper to my children.
8. Jesus is surely with me. (I have been memorizing scriptures so that I can repeat them over and over again when I feel like to am going to say something or do something I will regret… those of you with older children know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Now onto the more deep personal issues.

These are negative attachment related issues that we have experienced:

• One of our children gave a concussion to another child by pulling a standing mirror down on the other… purposely.
• I have a 2.5 inch scar on my shin where one child literally picked up a 2x2 from outside and beat my leg with it while I was changing a diaper (totally out of the blue)
• Poop smearing
• Intentionally soiling pants and/or bed
• Silent treatment
• Shoving
• Biting
• Hitting
• Screaming
• Smearing food all over the wall, etc.
• Tantrum
• Liberian death roll
• Hunger strikes
• *Over affection (constantly hanging on me, hugging me, kissing me, asking me, “you like me?” and becoming horribly jealous of the affection, even a little kiss, that I give to the other children… yes, it sounds great, but I mean OVER affection and competing for affection. I list it as negative because the affection does not have to come from me, it can come from a homeless man)
• Over pleasing (a sign of insecurity and mistrust)

*The week we came home, while at a public playground one of our sons jumped off of the swing while I was holding both girls. He ran and grabbed onto the leg of a 6’5” large black homeless man. The man freaked out and grabbed a rolled newspaper and began to beat my son. I put the babies down in the sand and RAN to my son, pulling him off the man.

A few weeks later, at the market, this same son accosted a pregnant woman who was holding her toddler. He tried to climb up on her while grabbing her breasts. He was calling her “Mama”. No, he did not mistake her identity… she was very Scandinavian looking.

Here’s the kicker, ALL of these behaviors are listed as “typical”attachment disorder behaviors. Pretty crazy, huh? We knew all of these were possibilities when we chose to adopt non-infants. Our home study organization requires a certain number of hours of classes on adoption. I griped when we had to take them, but am SOOO grateful now!

How do we correct these behaviors? It depends on the behavior.

The recent events in our state have caused us to be more cautious with what we make public. Therefore this section was omitted. If you would like to read the unabridged version, please email us and we'll email it to you!

We believe it is important to discuss with our children our expectations of them. Here are few that we repeat over and over again:

What we expect:
Honesty/ Integrity
First time obedience
No back talking
No means No
No fighting back
No tantrums
Quiet crying (of course we allow our children to cry when disciplined, but they may not be over dramatic, they must be quiet and self-controlled)
A happy hearted response to instruction (no complaining)

Other types of Behavior Modification:

We do have time outs (mainly when Mama cannot calmly address an issue), time ins (restricted to sit on a blanket, with NO toys but near Mama), toys taken away, liberties taken away, etc.

Combating Indiscriminate affection:

One of our sons has IAD (Indiscriminate Affection Disorder). I listed a couple examples above (*).
I will share with you another example.

While some of our good friends were visiting us, my son pointed to his “Uncle” and said, “Mama”. This was disturbing to me, so I took him into my room and we talked. I asked him some pointed questions:

Me: Son, who is your Mama:
Son: You
Me: Why did you tell Uncle that he was your Mama?
Son: He going be my next Mama
Me: You have plenty Mamas?
Son: Yes
Me: Tell me all your mamas
Son: My black Ma, my white Ma, my nanny Ma, Uncle”
Me: Uncle your Ma now?
Son: No, he going be my new Ma by you.
Me: Son, you will never have another Ma. I will never give you away. I am going to be your Ma forever.
Son: You my one Ma?
Me: Yes Son, I am your only Ma from now on. You no get no more Ma, only me.
Son: You love me?
Me: Yes Son, I Iove you and I want you to love me someday too, etc.

How do we help foster attachment to us, and not the rest of the world?

• NO ONE TOUCHES, gives instruction, gives gifts (food treats, stickers, toys, free cookies at the supermarket), gives praise, gives high fives, to our son but ME and Scott.

• If the doctor or nurse has to touch my son, both of my hands are also on my son.

• No sitting on anyone’s lap, no hugs,

• No one gives assistance to my son but me and/or Scott.

• We do not even allow our son to seek affection from his siblings (just for now).
I realize that it sounds extreme, but it is necessary and it works. We’ve only been doing this for about 2 weeks and I’ve seen MAJOR improvement. I have received voluntary hugs as of late, voluntary kisses, voluntary hand holding, etc.

• We have also allowed regression into toddler-hood for one son. If he uses the potty appropriately, he gets to drink milk from a bottle and rock with Mama.

• Co-sleeping. The boys sleep on a bed shoved up against mine (we call it the MEGABED and the girls sleep in bed with me. M has always slept with us and H will not even close her eyes if I am not touching her. She will only sleep if we are with her. She has a very insecure attachment to me. I wear her throughout the day in an Ergo. I pseudo breast-feed her, we do skin to skin in a Moby Wrap as well.

• Play therapy: I spend 25 minutes each day playing with each child. The power of play is amazing. We play whatever the child wants to play. I also have whole family activities and play time with games I downloaded from some of the websites I will list below.

• All of these things will continue for a few months (at least while Scott is gone).

Combating Over-Affection:

I have implemented “Snuggle time” with my son who is over affectionate. During quiet time he sits on my lap and we hug, tickle and kiss (six kisses since he is six years old.). We snuggle and read books for about 25 minutes. The rest of the day is “Share Ma” time and he his not allowed to manipulate or dominate any of that time. He is not allowed to demand affection either or “Snuggle Time” is in jeopardy. We have discussed jealousy and competition and during Snuggle Time and we pray over these issues. Let me be clear that “Snuggle Time” is not the only time I give affection to my son, but it is the only time he can expect to receive my full attention. It is the only time he is allowed to climb up on me, unless otherwise invited.

Perspective:

Remember the “Magic Months” of attachment. This is important to really, really, keep this mind each day… this will put things into perspective. These are month markers for attachment in adoption of non-infants. Adoptive parents should never expect things to move quicker than this…but certainly praise the Lord if it does!

1 month- you should have a month of family seclusion after adoption. I referred to this a couple days ago. At this point a child may be ready to socially interact with others (ie. grandparents, etc.)

6 months- most older children stay in the honeymoon phase of adoption for 6 months before they begin to act out. The earlier the testing, the better. It means they really want to attach.
A child may be ready to physically interact with others at this point (ie. hug friends, sit on Auntie's lap, etc.)

12 months- positive behavior modification is evident and the adopted child seeks to please the parent as a result of a a growing attachment rather than insecurity.

24 months- a healthy attachment has formed and the child feels secure.

Resources:

http://www.attach-china.org/activities.html
Don't be fooled by the "China" in the URL...these activities are good for any internationally adopted children.

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah Gray. Lots of practical advice for helping children overcome attachment difficulties. Good information about the causes of attachment problems and strategies for overcoming problem behaviors.

When Love is Not Enough by Nancy Thomas (also a video series that would be a good group activity if there are families near you that have adopted)


Inside Transracial Adoption by Beth Hall and Gail Steinberg
Gives insight into the challenges and joys of transracial adoption. Helpful advice to promote children's positive adjustment and strategies to deal with African related attachment disorder..

Are Those Kids Yours? American Families with Children Adopted from Other Countries by Cheri Register
Very readable. Author adopted children from Korea. Good advice on how to talk to kids about adoption, how to handle questions from outsiders.

Where the Little Ones Cry: Stories of War-Torn Liberia by Harvey Yoder. Available at http://www.anabaptistbooks.com or at http://www.aboverubies.com

Currently I am reading, Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier

Melissa, I don’t have a perfect answer for when C asks why he was given up for adoption, but I tell him it is because his black Ma needed me to be his Mama now for reasons I cannot explain just now. I tell him that she knows I am his Mama and when he is a big man he will understand a little more. I tell him that sometimes Mama’s need to give their children to new Mamas. I also tell him that I will never give him to a new Mama b/c I am his forever Ma and I will not leave him. That smart little cookie of mine then reminds me that in heaven I will not be his Ma but his sister.
Primal Wound has given me a lot to consider and I pray for wisdom to have a good answer in the near future.

My final advice, which I think is the most important, is to pray with and for your child. Pray for attachment, pray the Lord will restore the years that the locust have eaten, pray for wisdom, discernment and for hearts to turn toward Jesus. Pray for the Holy Spirit to instruct you and your child. Pray for peace and unity in your homes!