The Reality of Adoption and Attachment

I'm going to break this up into a couple of parts. This first part is just a little history and explanation of our situation. I want to preface this post by explaining the reason behind it.

My goal here is to be transparent with the reality of adoption and attachment issues, particularly, but not limited to adoption of non-babies. These are our experiences, things we've learned and methods of addressing our issues. I have been so blessed to hear other people's testimonies and so blessed to know that our struggles are not unique. My hope is that this will serve as a blessing to others as well, and as insight into the joys and trials of attaching with adopted children.

I also want to say that I adore my children, all of them, and if I had it to do over again, I would do it again and again. These children, by the grace of God, are mine and my husband's and I would give my life for any one of them.
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As most of you know, at the end of November my husband and I brought home our three Liberian children, 2 sons and 1 daughter, ages 6,3 and 2.5 and joined them with our biological daughter who was 18 months. Our journey, though seemingly long and drawn out, was brief (a total of 7 months from start to finish) due to the special needs of our daughter who has Cerebral Palsy.

We never experienced what is known as the "honeymoon" phase in our homecoming. From the very first day we had our children we experienced very visible symptoms of RADS.

H- (2.5 years old but developmentally delayed to about 15 months due to Cerebral Palsy)
Our daughter was in the special needs nursery at the Guest House with 2 nannies and only 5 other children. She did not willingly come to us... as you can imagine, she was TERRIFIED. The first 3 days she screamed every time we walked by her nanny, Grace... while difficult, this is actually a VERY positive thing. It showed us that she is capable of forming attachments and gave us hope that she would soon attach to us. Just around the time she was warming up to us and accepting us as care-gives (not yet as Mama and Daddy), H and I rode in the same car as her birth mom to the Embassy. H would not look at her birth mom. She was stiff and aloof. For those of you who have met H, you know this is very contrary to her personality. H's birth mom wanted to hold her on the drive but as soon as we arrived and it was evident that H wanted nothing to do with her birth mom, she was handed back to be and never again did her birth mom even touch her. This was painful for me to watch. H was clearly confused, hurting and scorned. She had only been in the care of AoH for 3 months when we picked her up... she had to have still remembered her birth mom that cared for her for 27 months. As a result of being separated from 2 women she trusted, H very quickly accepted Scott but not me. This is very understandable, yet discouraging nonetheless.

C and JR- We arrived in Liberia on a Friday. We picked up C and JR on Sunday and spent some time with them as "friends" of the orphanage. We took them to church and out to lunch. It was an amazing experience and it was heartbreaking to return them to the orphanage to sleep that night. We had prepped them both by mentioning about 20 times that they would be going back to the orphan home to sleep. We had our embassy appt on Monday, picked up our visas and our boys on Tuesday and left Liberia on Wednesday.

The first night in the guest house was surreal. Honestly, I was numb. I know this sounds petty and childish, but I felt like it was Christmas morning and I had just received 3 new toys. I was trying to figure out how they worked and trying to figure out which one was going to require more work and which ones I would have to read the manuals for. I was also mourning the "shelfing" of my old toy, missing it and wanting to play with it. I couldn't bear the thought of my old toy feeling hurt and left out. I began to grieve over H's disability and I began to mourn my children's loss of their birth parents, loss of their home country, loss of so much of their childhood.

As a disclaimer, those of you that do not have children with special needs may not understand why I was grieving for H's disability. I absolutely 100% believe she is perfect the way God created her. I do not believe our Lord made any mistakes, and I do not view her as broken nor do I regret not having a non-special needs kiddo. Rather, I grieved for all that for which one day she will grieve. I grieved for the moment she will understand the extent of her handicap. I grieved for the moment she will FEEL "broken" and I grieved for the first time someone, in our cruel world, tells her she is not "normal".

Our sons, especially the younger, began to test us immediately... I mean immediately after being in our custody. The families in Liberia with us, as well as well as the Guest House managers can attest to this. One of the Guest House managers had even said that he does not often see such blatent defiance so immediate.

Our boys had only known us for 2 days when we left Liberia, and H for 5 days... it was a nightmare of a trip. I was bitten, kicked, hit, head butted, and one of our kids actually escaped from us when we put him in the seat by immediately crawling under the seat. He crawled up 5 rows before heading to the aisle and running OFF of the plane back into the airport. I had H in my arms and was fighting my way through the crowds of on-comers trying to get to him when a fight attendant, who had followed in close pursuit, grabbed him and returned him to us. He bit and kicked her in the process and she was apologizing to us for having to pick him up. Yes, he was terrified and rightly so... we were strangers. But in the moment, I could not even try consider his fear as I was in shock and could barely remember to breath. I sobbed almost the entire trip to America and kept asking the Lord if He was sure this is what He wanted of us, I asked Him if perhaps I mis-heard what He said, I asked Him if He tricked us. Yes, I was a whiny, sniveling, complaining little brat. I was a wimp.

Just two days after arriving home from Liberia, Scott left for a mini-deployment. My mom left that same morning, leaving me alone. I have to admit I was so mad at my mom (sorry Mom). I told her there was NO way I could handle these kids. She said something to the affect of, "you will handle them because you have to and you're going to be just fine, buck up, these are your children now." And, retrospectively speaking, that's just what I needed... a good swift kick in the pants... don't we all need that sometimes?

Scott's mini-deployment was an incredible time of testing for me and my mom-in-law who arrived a few days after Scott left. M, our bio baby, was so very confused by our homecoming and then Scott's leaving. She is a daddy's girl and was extremely clingy when we arrived home. Scott's departure was a major blow to her. In addition, we brought home three more children to divide our attention. H who was closer to Scott, had a very, very difficult transition to his leaving. Even more so to his return. When he did return neither of the girls wanted anything to do with him until about a week before he left on his big deployment. They acted like women scorned. This was devastating to Scott, as you can imagine.

As a side note, looking back, I truly believe the mini deployment was a positive thing for the boys because they were able to see him leave and then return. I think it has made a difference in their attitude and security regarding this big deployment.

The kiddos were introduced to many people very quickly after arriving home. While this was great for all of our family and friends who have been so supportive and so eager to see our children, I don't think it was wise of us as parents to introduce them to so many people so soon. We did not really have a breather period where we took time to just be our family, to bond, etc. This is mostly due to the unavoidable deployment and our children coming home during the holidays. It seemed as though the more people that came and went, the more insecure our children were and the more they would act out. I have since read that a good month of seclusion is recommended for attachment... no doctors (if possible), no grandparents, no friends, family, etc. other than the immediate family.

So, that's all for now. I'll post my next set of thoughts (mostly on attachment related mis-behavior and discipline, followed by some great reading material, emails from adults who were adopted and notes from our therapist who specializes in attachment. on Monday night or Tuesday)